the life of jonah

2004-01-14T17:59:00.000-05:00

Dear Disappointed in Des Moines,

To all the worried people out there who thought I got back together with the ex-roomate, let me put to rest your fears and disappointments. I must apologize for the delay in posting, but there are circumstances in life which over ride even the best of plans, and there are events more important than psychological angst publicized to the world (hi Sweden) via my blog. To quote Plato, 'all good things must come to an end' yet we wonder if ever bad things must at some point take a hiatus themselves. Don't go google it up, Plato did not say that. If you were even thinking it what are you doing on my site?

I did not get into this opening of my soul on my own accord for the literary experience it would provide. I was thrust upon a situation as if the fates themselves had cut short the string of my relationship. And from the begining the happier days for me would conversely be juxtaposed as less than pleasant days for you, the random readers and watchers, the curious and afar. And so, my absense from posting, though some what is regrettable is a sign of change like the warm winds blowing across the plains and chasing the artic cold back into the dark recesses of winter to be forgotten for another year. This is the end.

Billy Joel quoted among many things that 'life is but a series of hellos and goodbyes, and now I must say goodbye.' He also said 'pual at the bar is a friend of mine, he gets me my drinks for free' but that really has no relevance here. Although I do know a bartender names Paul, and he charges me $11 for a vodka tonic. But that is for another day. And so my goodbye, my page turning has begun.

December 24th I quit my job, the hell that it was. December 26th, as the roomate slept on her parents laundry room floor recanting Mr. Matthews lyrics 'don't drink the water,' I packed up my things and deadbolted my door one last time, as I moved out. No note. No warning. I picked up and left.

I started this blog for a few friends and family members, and somehow ended up with the rest of you. Like a cult following, ok not one of those successful cults that worship comets, but a lesser cult in its early days, you read and posted encouraging tormenting ideas of revenge. For some freakish reason you even read on holidays, and I am not talking about Arbor Day and Canadian Boxer Day. So I wondered what it was in my story that made everyone so interested. As the trash can was taken away, later to be joined by the light and heat, you cheered. Like Monday Night football you were there for me.

But one person was not. And his name is Stephen Victor Brown III. In the back of your physics book, the part you never opened because you never had time to cover it are a few rules of nature that like the coefficient of drag we must compete with on a daily basis as we try not to fall upward. One of those rules is the wingman rule. Like the wingman who takes one for the team by hooking up with the ugly girl so his friends can have a good two hours of drunken memories they will never recall, the wingman is the guy who to keep the laws of physics balanced as to not upset the gods must always remain single until his time has come and there is a rotation in the offense. At that point, and only at the point does this player get to move to a central position allowing for a substituion to come in as wingman. Think of it as your five man face off line in foosball. When playing by Ryan's basement rules, which are the widely accepted rules of competition, the five man line can not score. It is their responsibility to move the play forward and set up the front three man line for all offensive opportunities.

[sorry have to get my laundry]

foosball... So the wingman in the dating scene is not allowed to partake in a relationship when the other consenting members of the party are themselves involved. It is kinda like that a bubble can only be touched by six other bubbles on its perimeter. Anymore and the situation, the bubble, will implode on itself. And so it was to be, that four years ago, three of us found ourselves in the preludes of relationships. At any given time in the history leading up that our late college years the spectator would only find one or at best two of us in some sort of torrid on again off again/random hook up affair, leaving the playing field open to snatch up ones position of choice. Let it be known that four years later, as one friend went off and got married, the second got engaged, I had moved in with my first full-time-live-in-female-roomate, and then Steve goes and gets a girlfriend. And the bubble imploded. Life, for a split second nearly ceased to exist. And then we realized it wasn't as earth shattering as we thought. The out come was just my ex simply changing her voter registration card to say roomate instead of girlfriend. And thus was born the life of jonah. Yet I do not hastily judge you, for had Janice not run away, we would have had a wingman for life, captaining that five man line like no other. He was like that bench seat on the merry go round full of galloping horses. But alas, he choose to leave our fraternity of Chasing Amy haters and beer pong water filled cup practicing foosball team.

sidenote: he left after we advised him not to ask his then girlfriend of a whole almost week or so to move in with him the summer that was still eight months away. Oh the irony of the situation that we do not learn from. For a few days later they broke up, and were roomates happily ever after. And my eyes were blind to all of this.

And so I moved. I headed west like Horatio Alger. I no longer have a job I hate and no longer come home to that roomate on the sofa, who like that mildew on your shower wall just will not go away regardless of the begging and Ajax. Some find answers in just wearing flip-flops, and some have blogs. Mine was a story of the latter. A story too good to be believed, yet fatefully sarcastic. And so, lik Jerry Springer, my final thought for now, or maybe for good is to always study physics for one day that which you failed to see will fall on you like an Acme anvil. No matter how good your situation, you can always have the upper hand, for thou who controls the remote is emporer of the world in the game of Risk.

So I thank you all for letting me be Doogie Howser, and click away on my keyboard as the world looks on reading over my shoulder of my days events to be for ever chronicled in my journal. For my detractors, my nemisis', I leave you this recognition. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, get fired from your job and still be at home living with your parents.

I raise another frosty ambler glass of beer as I look back upon that which is now in history books. Take care of yourself and take care of each other. Except you Steve, you jerk. Ok I am joking. But watch out I will be objecting at your wedding. That or I am painting a tux on my body and streaking across the altar with a big foam finger that says you are #1.

2004-01-03T01:22:00.000-05:00

sorry, sorry, sorry. blog will be updated this weekend i think.

2003-12-23T09:17:00.000-05:00

So the roommate for the most part is now never home when I am home. There is evidence to show that she comes home during the day after I leave for work, but sadly she no longer joins me for a monday night football game or political debate on c-span. Surprisingly this past weekend I was alarmed to hear her walk in the apartment and right into the bathroom where she decided she would take a shower. This is only curious because one well she is not liked around these parts, and two because she specifically took the shower curtain away from me after realizing that I wanted her to actually pay me back all the money she owed me. She has no towels, no shampoo, no shower curtain at the apartment. And while she could have brought one or both of the aforementioned items, it is highly doubtful that she took my shower curtain down and put hers up proceeded to shower and reciprocated the action involving the shower curtains. So perplexed, I decide to go into the kitchen and just run the hot water, after all my sink does get cold. After she could no longer stall and had to leave the bathroom she quickly ran out and was never to be seen from again, as she is now home getting cancer from the nuclear reactor that graces her towns sky line like a majestic mountain of concrete and reactor fuel. Curious about this anomaly, her visitation, I pondered where has she been taking showers for the past several weeks and what was she planning on doing in the apartment? And so the speculation begins, and none of it good for her. Either she was coming back thinking I was not there and planned on doing more in the apartment, i.e. steal/ruin the remaining items of mine. Or she could have been planning on writing an apology note. Or, and this is the fun part, whom ever she has been doing what ever she has been doing with, is no longer mr., or in all fairness ms. right. She obviously spent the night somewhere. Woke up and was not capable or allowed to shower there and had absolutely no other alternative than to venture back behind enemy lines and attempt to shower in my apartment. For she has showered somewhere else every other day yet was not successful in finding a place to partake in her daily hygiene ritual. Just to be scientific historians let us look at all the possibilities.

a. she woke up someplace showered, and on her way from point a to point b she fell into a puddle of mud and had to shower again
b. she woke up and decided to tell whom ever she was with that so no longer cared for them, and rolled over and continued to sleep on their sofa, then came to my apartment to shower
c. she really has no friends and has been sleeping in the park for the past two months
d. whomever's place she had been staying at either had no water and/or they were leaving for an extended period of time and for some unknown reason she failed to shower prior to their departure.

While the last one is not so funny, it is the only perceivable theorum. And so let me remind the viewing audience and everyone else who is playing the game that like any televised football game use of or distribution of my items, which include my shower curtain is prohibited without prior written consent of the owner of said items.

2003-12-19T09:25:00.000-05:00

Like a velociraptor, her head on attack is a ruse, a cunning attempt at trickery (if you saw the movie) to deceive and throw me off kilter. Changing the lock was a nice move, yet you have doubled down the stakes in this game, and as we know I watch more espn2 poker than you do and am the crowd favorite. At this point I am going to cautiously address matters as the potential for her to now be reading this is higher. If that is the case, what do you think about buying a tshirt and helping me out? You are famous.

Of all the things I miss, the thing I miss most is my foosball table. A christmas or two ago she got me a foosball table, so I could practice for my upcoming reign as supreme world foosball master. In exchange she got a diamond necklace. There was a small matter with the foosball table being broken, so I tried to return the table, but the store never picked it up, however they did refund the money. I never got my replacement foosball table and that nearly brought me to tears. It is bad enough to come between a guy and his cable but to not even grant conjugal visits with a foosball table, now that is unacceptable.

To think back and have no other recollections of things that are to no longer be, than to miss my foosball table, makes going home to her plants, since she is rarely there, much more enjoyable. Oh to my two man defense and my five man line, how I will miss thee. Our relationship never had a chance to grow and blossom into anything meaningful in the short time we had. As your side board was broken, you were cut down in your youth never to see your prime. If I had the chance to have you, the reassurance that I could come home and always know where my foosball players where (because you have a bar through your torso and you can't run away) would have been a pleasant juxtaposition to the daily displeasure of what ever the live in roommate's escapade was.

Oh to say I miss your company, conversation, warmth and general pleasantries would be a farce too great for even the most skilled conniver to speak. For my true love sits in a corrugated cardboard box, on a store shelf under the classification of recreational activity. Oh to my foosball table, I miss you so.

2003-12-17T14:33:00.000-05:00

I came home one night after a long day of work to find my apartment complex was having a holiday party, complete with food and beverages. It is a little surprising to walk in and see about two hundred people in your lobby celebrating and not realizing what is going on. It would not be long before I would realize the festivities were foreshadowing my entrance to my actual apartment. As I slipped my key into the deadbolt and heard that joyful clunk releasing the latch, I knew I had a wonderful night ahead of me. Like fire shooting out the windows of my room, finding the deadbolt unlocked never made for a good evening. I entered the abyss to see she had claimed her portion of the remaining furniture. Like the moon retreating far longer into shorter nights, this signaled a changing time that was forth coming. And so I dropped my bags and headed downstairs to see my kingdom celebrating the good news before me. As if they had some advanced knowledge today's precursor, the festivities were not for a random friday night in december, but instead for my triumph. Her potted horticultural remnants and other items lay scattered across the battlefield, yet victory is not entirely mine yet. She has retreated to the hills of Columbia, as I am encroaching from all sides. But for tonight the lager flows and its amber color glistens like the golden bounty pillaged from a far off village. Ah sweet nectar.

2003-12-15T15:27:00.000-05:00

welcome to our Texan friends at UTexas. And also a hi to UMKC Med School readers, who say "Monday night football is genius" and also said they were going to buy some shirts and that I am amazing, or something along those lines. Thanks for the plug, the site traffic is definately picking up with the car people, you rock. Oh and hi to everyone I went to high school with but have not spoken to in many years, or ever, if you are on my list of 50, ryan has 49, haha. hi janice. but seriosly, a new post is coming shortly.

2003-12-11T13:18:00.000-05:00

[tshirt resolution is higher than shown here]
Priceless shirts and other merchandise are now up. If you have any requests, i.e. I want the picture on the front instead of the back, or you see a shirt you want in one category but not another, or something like that it is an easy change, just let me know.

Support the overthrow. Buy a shirt.

2003-12-11T09:54:00.000-05:00

It takes two to tango, and she has finally decided to join me in this dance of jilted emotions and combative neutral zone infringements. I returned home after leaving my monetary request to find a semi vacant hall. Like smelling egg rolls from over a block away from a chinese street vendor on a cold brisk December afternoon, the senses were acute. This would not be my typical pleasant return to my abode. After requesting money that she owes me, one thousand dollars to put a rough estimate on it, she leaves me a lengthy somewhat haphazard threat claiming my immaturity and that I was "nickel and diming" her. I always misunderstood that phrase. I thought it referred to small and petty costs. Apparently one thousand dollars falls within those parameters. So I pulled out the calculator and sure enough I was nickel and diming her somewhere to the effect of 20,000 nickels.

Then she had the audacity to claim that she could in return be charging me for an equal number of expenses. I ask you this, ladies and gentlemen of the jury; if she could not even pay for her own hair dryer, how can the defendant claim to have any expenses that even remotely parallel the evidence laid out before you.

As I wandered the now cold and uninviting rooms of my apartment I would find the shower curtain missing and my sheets curiously had met a similar fate. And then the attack that broke all the rules. The Geneva Convention does not even atone for such retaliation. She took my coaxial cable from my tv. The world series of poker and jeanette lee would only now be distant memories as espn-2 like every other channel had been cut down in their prime and faded to black.

Like war bonds for an invading allied force, please buy a shirt today and help us regain our freedom we hold so dear. Our freedom to watch Law and Order no matter what time of day it is. Help bring our cable back.

2003-12-09T12:26:00.000-05:00

Haven't gotten your mother a nice christmas present yet? What better than a vacuum robot hoodie? Due to over whleming vacuum robot merchandise demand, we have opened up a new section of our online store. We have added mouse pads, stickers, long sleeve tshirts, hoodies. You can visit the store via the link on the left side of this page. Help the relief mission. Buy today.

[again if you have merchandise requests let me know and I will see what I can do. Priceless shirts will be available soon]

2003-12-08T18:20:00.000-05:00

A lot of you have been writing in, asking how my vacuum robot is emotionally handling the living situation and tension in the apartment. Well the vacuum robot is actually handling it quite well, after all it is a robot. However I do come home and find it in the corner constantly bumping its head into the chair. The manufacturer says this might happen in "confined spaces" however I think it just needs to be reminded that none of this is its fault. It needs to stop blaming itself. Then I let it loose and have it attact the roomates feet, and it seems much happier.

And yes, the vacuum robot does like football, that was a good question from Steve in Arizona. We get drunk together, watch monday night football together, and occasionally it even helps me write the blog when I have writers block. Actually it is telling me to remind everyone, are you ready for some late night monday night football? So everyone raise your glass to the vacuum robot. Thanks vacuum robot.

2003-12-08T14:33:00.000-05:00

Tis the season of giving. Snow flakes shall fall, bells shall be jingling and my roommate shall be giving. My bill for approximately one thousand dollars has sat dangling on the freezer door so patiently, waiting to be answered. Yet no reply. No correspondence. Not even little pieces of torn up note speckling the floor. I was thinking the other night, as I wondered if our inner-apartment pollyanna would be called off this year due to unforeseen circumstances, mostly those being I dislike my roommate with more angst and anger than the grinch disliked christmas trees adorned with tinsel. I was thinking, how will Santa visit my apartment. He does not have a key card to get past security. I have no chimney. And there is no fire escape for him to saunter up. And then it hit me. The spirit of the season is not to wait and hope that someone carries out deeds for you, it is for your own generosity and good will to spread out. Santa does not need to come to my apartment, for I will be an elf for him, acting on his behalf. Ok so I don't have those pointy shoes, nor do I really own anything green. I can't really make any toys, although I do make a pretty cool toy alligator. But that is for another story, another day. I shall be the temp agency elf, (supplying your office and sleigh assistant needs). For I will fill my roommates stocking with coal, when our jolly old guy can not. But alas, she has no stocking, nor much else for that matter, but does have one nice faux-oak Ikea dresser awaiting a holiday eve's filling.

2003-12-05T17:19:00.000-05:00

I am glad to see that in this day and age, that one can get their education via a blog better than in the classroom taking an igloo building class. Apparently topping that list of schools where students do not attend class is the one and only JMU. However I think there is some undue influence at work, which I appreciate none the less. So here's to all the students out there that find the trials and tribulations of my life, better than the Socio-Economic Impact of Pez on the Western World or whatever class it is you should be in or should be studying for. And to the guys at Brooklyn Law School, I am glad you are enjoying it, what are the possibilities of suing for breech of contract or the mental anguish of having to live with her? I can cry on the witness stand if you want.

thanks to everyone at: Brandeis, Johns Hopkins, Northwestern, FSU College of Medicine, UCSD (hey I know people in Holtville, well not really but I did at one time), RIT, Villanova, Emory, Harvard, American and of course Brooklyn Law and JMU.

2003-12-05T12:11:00.000-05:00

Yes instinction is a word.

2003-12-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

My apartment windows face out the back of the apartment complex. One of my means of travel drops me off behind my building after work. When I get off my bus my first instinctions are to turn and start counting. I count the windows until I find my floor nervously awaiting my realization of whether the apartment lights, or should I say light (kitchen light) is on. Every so often, I also check just to make sure the apartment is not up in flames. I think I am in more shock to come home to the apartment in one piece, than I would be if it was on fire.

I left a bill last night for nearly $1000 in money still owed to me. I have a feeling that I am going to see very little if any of it. If that is the case, I have a nice blue sofa from Ikea if anyone is interested. It goes on sale the day I get a note back explaining her illogical explanation as to why she does not need to pay me for anything she owes me, because I have not mopped the kitchen floor yet. I feel like I am watching national geographic episode with a crocodile about to attack its prey. It is sitting just below that water, patiently awaiting the ambush. It's meal tonight is the unknowing roomate, better known to some by its species name, Idiot exitus. [enter croc hunter reference #2 here]

I imagine the day I get off the bus and see flames shooting out my apartment window, I might just keep walking, and realize I need to find a new apartment.

2003-12-04T18:10:00.000-05:00

would the viewer from Brooklyn Law school please email me as soon as possible. this is an urgent matter for your email security. thanks.

2003-12-04T18:04:00.000-05:00

Singapore, home of the, well I am not sure what really is there, but regardless I just got a hit from Singapore. Say hi to Sweden while you are here.

2003-12-03T13:43:00.000-05:00

note: Stan Getz is playing in the background. Well his music is playing in the background, not him.
Kevin Garnett leads the NBA with 14.1 rebounds per game, and we have discovered the roomate is on rebound number one, and circumstantial evidence points to this involvement starting soon after the culmination of our being pen pals or whatever she thinks we were. Similar to my being labeled as immature the hypocrasy of thought that emerges on a daily basis from my dwelling is astounding. The explanation given for our parting of ways including something about one of us needing to be single and experience life, and my memory tells me I didn't say that.

Four years ago this past thanksgiving'ish time period, a series of otherwise seemily random events and the greek fates produced our relationship. The jury would later find out that she had not actually ended her previous relationship before, yes rebounding, and moving on. However things would be different, wouldn't they be? As if taking her chips and running after going all in and losing a hand on the river in a game of texas hold 'em, [yeah you like how I managed to fit that in there don't you?] she does not do well at the end of relationships.

She spent about an hour and a half taking on my phone, her account, to this muse of hers, in the living room the other night. All the while I played a game called 'how loud can my television get.' She laughs, click one notch higher on the volume meter. Who would have thought one could so quickly become an incoherent fumbling teenager, giddy with excitement that someone noticed them. Now I would have been much more angry, had the topic of these two newly somethings, been anything other than how to clean coins with ketchup. Notice I just said 'how to clean coins with ketchup.' I am not sure what the technical terminology for their relationship is, be it flirts, friends or friends with benefits, but the typical conversation one would be having should never involve ketchup, or really any other hot dog condiment. Ok so it shouldn't be about coin collecting either, which I will asterix by saying it is acceptable if you are 10 or 60. So to paraphrase the conversation, yes the full hour and a half conversation, you can clean coins with ketchup. That must be one hot date.

The good news is in basketball you get credit for a rebound regardless of how ugly it was.

2003-12-02T11:20:00.000-05:00

Presenting even better'ness:
[cue music. dim lights]

There comes a time when one must stand up and fight back. Individuals must not succumb to the pressures and forces of evil. Rising up is the only solution. When they face treacherous perils at every turn, backing down is not an answer, as they know triumph can only be achieved by marching on, forward to the over throw of tyranny. Marching on though bloodied and disheveled, in absolute disarray, conflict only intensifies their will and strengthens their resolve. They can not be defeated. Today is the start.

284 unique visitors read the life of jonah last tuesday.
This site now reaches 8 foreign countries on a regular basis.
No one thought it was true. Yet mesmerized, people keep coming back.
Introducing, the life of jonah store. Make her feel bad. Make everyone else laugh. Spread the word. Wear the shirt. Help me kick her out.

click >life of jonah the store
[I need some creative ideas for shirts and stickers, so use the comments under this post to ponder and debate.]

[note]
yes this company and store are legitimate. If you click on the shirt, you can buy it now and have it before the holidays. I found the site through another source and have purchased from them before and was quite satisfied with the results. You know your dad wants one as a present. If you buy anything from the store please send me a picture for the world to see. thanks.

2003-12-02T10:32:00.000-05:00

the life of jonah has been experiencing some internal errors on the host end. please be patient, as we are now behind schedule with our "even better'ness." but it is still coming today, I promise.

2003-12-01T22:51:00.000-05:00

The snores, and sounds of discomfort, huddled up amungst the blankets and pillows try to drown out the Jets attempting to regain their season long ago lost. The whistles blow, and John Madden drones on in baffling logic. Ah, Monday night football. Not just any football game, but one loud enough that I can hear it down the hall at 11:35 pm. Where to start.

Like the turkey and cranberry sauce one consumes days if not weeks after thanksgiving, I come home to the roomate, and wonder when will I finally be rid of it all?

Rent was due today. As I do not have a drive up window attached to me, I am not sure what my roomate was thinking in not paying rent. I am not a bank. I am not here to finance you for the times that you are incapable of using a calendar and finding the day with the number one in that square. Typically when one learns to count they start with one and work their way up, so I do not know where to start in understanding how this mistake was made. I will however venture to guess that in addition to several other disfunctions that counting is one of them. But in the end all that matters is the fifty dollar late fee that will now be imposed. Oh the beers that can buy.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be fun. Any pangs of guilt or potential remorse has gone out the door tonight. Like the moves of X3D Fritz against Kasparov in the third game of the chess world championship my roomate's initial moves looked like that of confusion and grasps at non existant logic. But now the pawns are aligning on both sides in defensive measures. The advantage is on my side, the dark pieces are mine. You put your queen in jeopardy. The game is on, and it will start tomorrow morning. As the sun has long gone down, and the clock is showing only 3:36 left in the game (football), it appears this young night is winding down. But rest assured, there is always tomorrow.

2003-12-01T15:37:00.000-05:00

we are taking it up a notch. check back tomorrow mid-morning. the life of jonah is about to get even better.

2003-12-01T09:56:00.000-05:00

so it appears that not only are my friends amused, and my co-workers, and friends of friends, and co-workers of friends, but for some reason you can now add foreigners to that list to. welcome to readers in Japan, Italy, Iceland, South Africa, Canada, Philippines, Sweden and the United Kingdom. Updates will come later, this was just to hold you over for now.

2003-11-27T12:59:00.000-05:00

For some reason I have been getting dating services mail on a regular basis, however this just recently started. At first I thought maybe this is a sign, but then I read the address and it says 'resident' and that isn't my name. So I left it for my roomate, after all she is just a resident, in my apartment. It is like she is a squatter and I have no legal rights to remove her. Anyway, I left her mail on the floor for her. Partially because she has no tables. Add that to the list.

Today is Thanksgiving, so lets be a little more sentimental. I am on my way to my parents house. Back in the day, the ex and her sister were suppose to come to my parents house, because it was too far for them to travel back to their parents house. I am not sure if it is obvious or not yet, but if you are reading this, yeah you can't come over. Why don't you call for some chinese. Or eat your, um, grated parmesan cheese, and expired milk. Now if that isn't a bountiful harvest, I don't know what is. Just remember to make sure that you don't throw away your chinese containers in my trash can.

Today there are many things I am thankful for, but for this post we will have to go with the fact that I not only have a trash can, but my bed is nice too. Happy turkey day everyone.

2003-11-26T12:14:00.000-05:00

notes are now up, following the entries.

2003-11-25T14:21:00.000-05:00

One thing I don't like is to come home to work I have to do because of her. That of course, is on top of the dislike of having to come home to her. For instance, her trash. She bought a new leather chair, so yes she does have the money to pay me back. So now when she gets out of bed she can move two feet over to her chair. Anyway, I guess this was covered in brown packing paper, because I came home to find it balled up on top of the trash can in the kitchen. From what I am told, she has received some collegiate education, and thus from that one could conclude that there must be some intelligence gained from that experience. Apparently that intelligence tells her that trash goes everywhere but inside the trash can. For instance, she broke down a flimsy cardboard box that had formerly contained some sort of taco ingredients and placed it next to the trash can, because apparently my trash can doesn't like card board boxes. Now maybe she put it in the trash can, and it later jumped out after she had left, that we will never know, however I am going to venture to guess that it didn't. Because my trash can is nice and accepting of all. Now we don't recycle cardboard in my apartment building, at least I don't think so, and I am completely certain that we do not recycle balled up piles of packaging paper. Since it was not in the trash I figure, she still may want it, so I put it on her dresser for her, only to find it in the trash can the next day. This is now perplexing. If she didn't want it, why didn't she throw it in the trash can in the first place. We now have proof that she is capable of doing something right, and knows what the trash can is for (throwing away everything I don't want her to have). But like the tootsie roll pop, there are just some quandaries in this world for which an answer seems to elude us. So it is time for a note. I left her a note in the kitchen telling to the please take out the trash, and yes I really did say please. Why? I have no idea. It must have slipped. So what do I come home to? If you said a hot steak dinner with mashed potatos then you would be wrong. A note. A note, telling me that I, in return was to mop the kitchen floor and clean the counters. When you are involved in a fight, and try to punch back, the point of the punch is to have a negative effect on the receiver of that punch. Thus after reading her note and realizing we have no mop, therefore she had never mopped the kitchen floor, I myself was confused. Does she not understand the finer points to fighting? How is telling me to do something, which would require something we don't have, how is that an effective counter to my intial demand (which by the way she did take out the trash). Is she so overcome with emotion and sadness that she can not think straight? That ultimatum is about as effective as thinking I will put her trash in the trash can for her, instead of leaving it on the sofa. Just wait until she leaves tuna out.

You have no bed. No hairdryer. You have no lights. No TV. And soon, because I have to put up with you, you will have no trash can. Mop the kitchen, that is funny.

2003-11-25T10:38:00.000-05:00

To everyone who emails:

This site really started as a joke. Between three friends from high school and my brother and sister, I didn't have time to go through the daily drama of my life, so I made a blog. Now all of a sudden, I have people in japan, magazines and former ceo's reading up on my life. So if you want to email me, and please do, please put something in the subject line referencing the site (i.e. lifeofjonah). I am getting so much mail, and hotmail is filtering it as junk, that I think I may have deleted a few emails, not realizing my fame (ok so only 23 people come to the site).

my apologies if I deleted anything you sent. If you resend it, I will put your name in a drawing for the hairdryer or something else I find.

oh and let me know how you found this site, because I think I only know 6 of you.

2003-11-24T17:30:00.000-05:00

Are you ready for some football? You better believe Monday night football will be on until about midnight. Not to be outdone however, the pregame show will be the Democratic Presidential Candidate debates in Iowa at 7, [brought to you by MSNBC].

2003-11-24T11:07:00.000-05:00

I have been asked a few times now, what my musical inspiration is that keeps me going. Well I would say Eric Clapton, but I think she took my cd, which we will now add to the list of what she owes me. Even if she didn't take it, she still better pay for it. Actually Guns 'N Roses, Used to Love Her is getting a heavy rotation on the play list.

I used to love her
But I had to kill her
I used to love her, Mm, yeah
But I had to kill her
I had to put her six feet under
And I can still hear her complain

However I actually do not get much time to play that while she is home. I usually have CSPAN or football on television, and don't want to detract from the irratation factor that causes by playing music. I also like to run my washing machine and dryer later at night while she is asleep. If I played music it might help to soothe the rattling and banging of the machines, which are in the living room, I mean her bedroom. Fortunately for me, I can just go into my bedroom and close the door if it gets too loud. I wouldn't want to be kept awake by that racket. I wonder how much noise a few bricks in the dryer would create.

2003-11-24T10:53:00.000-05:00

[email]
Howdy -

I hope you'll pardon the e-mail from someone you assuredly don't know.

A friend and former coworker sent me your blog address. I have honestly no idea how he came by it, or how many further links there would be in the chain. Maybe your blog is ascending toward that mythic All Your Base Are Belong to Us plane.

... Anyone who thinks that the issues between you two aren't important doesn't get it. Feeling at home is one of the most important things in anyone's life, and if she's that callous, you're well within your rights to level the playing field on her. Good luck and I look forward to future posts.

PS - I'm curious about the musical dimension of all this. From my own experience, music proved an important weapon in the whole thing.

2003-11-24T10:30:00.000-05:00

[email]
I am H--'s cousin and he forwarded this onto me. I think that this is, quite possibly, one of the most interesting things I have ever encountered and read. It is the Odd couple mixed into a relationship with bits and pieces of Risk and Battleship thrown in for good measure. Good luck to you. My advice would be to cut off everything you can to her. Put locks on all of the cabinets, the refridgerator, the Foreman, even the toilet. She will be forced to move out. Good luck!!!

2003-11-24T10:27:00.000-05:00

[email]
maybe Jonah's ex-g-friend will follow him home for t-giving and sleep on your couch there too. his has immense patience. it looks like he's getting his subtle kicks in though. personally, i would yell at her every night until she got the picture, "get the hell out of my apartment you freak!" but obviously this is much more amusing. this almost needs t-shirts.

2003-11-24T10:26:00.000-05:00

[email]
I feel honored that I have know Jonah for the last 12 years. To be honest I never thought he had something like this in him. He is an inspiration to the Goodman family and the Main Line. I am crying in my cube (yes, I am a Cog) because I am laughing so hard.

2003-11-24T10:25:00.000-05:00

[email]
Un-foocking real! I am hooked. We need a webcam! It beats reality TV!!

2003-11-24T10:23:00.000-05:00

[email]
fucking great!!! I laughed my ass off. If only your brother could get a get even session with T-- and I. We are professionals at a game such as this. If he needs some pointers on suttle irritation that will drive someone mad please do not hesitate to have him contact the doctor.

2003-11-20T12:06:00.000-05:00

[email]
Dear Maxim Editors -

As a subscriber and faithful reader for several years, your issues have always contained lots of helpful advice for dealing with problems guys run into. It's because of this that I feel compelled to write to you now. A friend of mine is currently suffering through a serious crisis - his live-in girlfriend has broken up with him, yet refuses to move out until the end of the lease (6 months away) since they split the rent. The two are not on good terms, barely speak, and have spent the last month or so waging domestic battles of property ownership, food consumption, utility usage, etc. It's like a 3-D game of Risk in your own home.

My friend, a particularly creative and eloquent writer, has created a website which chronicals the weekly disputes, and which has recived unamimous praise for its humor and wit. The link is: http://lifeofjonah.blogspot.com/

I encourage you to visit the site for 3 reaons: 1) If I told you the whole saga myself you wouldn't believe me, you'd want proof it's that surreal, 2) The humor of the website will undoubtably be appreciated by all Maxim employees, and 3) The most important - I would love to see an article in the near future, for guys in this situation, providing suggestions on things to do/say/etc which will get the girl to move out. It fits the genre and target audience, while being able to stay creative and humorous.

I really encourage you to visit this website, it'll take 5 minutes of your day and is well worth it. If you have any questions I can be reached at this address, and I look forward to hopefully reading an article of this nature in the future.

Regards,
S

P.S. - Feel free to use any of the tactics listed on the website as potential article suggestions, I don't think my friend would mind, just as long as he gets a shout-out in the mag.

2003-11-20T11:58:00.000-05:00

[email]
Jonah, you rule. The only advice I can add to A--'s would be that maybe you should try punching her in the arm really hard. It has worked for you in the past, so why abandon it?

2003-11-20T11:54:00.000-05:00

[email]
I passed the relationship link along to all my college roomates/friends for their enjoyment. At Kurt's 25th birthday part saturday in D.C., M-- came along as my invited guest, and the topic was brought up by my friends. She then requested I send the link to her, as her interest was peaked, which I did on sunday. Just got an email back from her, to quote her exactly: "I took a look at it today - HILARIOUS! Jonah is such a creative, eloquent writer and these stories are so funny."

Good chance it will be passed along to her HS friends as well i.e. ---, ---, etc. You might be a famous man pretty soon Mr. Goodman, just wanted to let you know your audience is increasing with each day.

2003-11-20T11:52:00.000-05:00

[email]
...sorry to hear you and your girl broke up - but its fun to hear about the misadventures in your typical prose. my question is this: does she know you are maintaining a web log about this whole situation? let me track how i heard about this:

s-- ->m-- ->a-- ->me. so i'm thinking this could also go somebody->somebody->somebody->your ex, right? or maybe you should just show it to her, then she'd get the hell out before april?...

2003-11-18T12:14:00.000-05:00

So one of the things that is getting to me, is that she hates talking on the phone to people. She refuses to call the cable company because she will have to talk to someone. She wont order pizza unless she is starving and the only alternative is eating bugs, and now being in a city you can add chinese food to that list. Ironically I can only imagine the disagreement me asking for the phone back is going to cause. But every moment of frustration has its silver lining, its weird twist of ironical fate. Those are the moments that make this almost worth it. Almost.

I come home last night to a love note if you will, saying the stove is not working and she has called in to get it repaired. Ok, so it is not a love note, then again going to court over past due expenses isn't really a date either, but the juxtaposition of relationship versus what ever the current situation I am in makes it some what appropriate. It is something of a poetic license. That is if this were poetry. Which it isn't. None of it rhymes.

So back to the stove. It doesn't work. Which sucks because I wanted to reheat my quesadillas from the night before, and I even went out and bought sour cream and salsa. I was all prepared. But just when hope has all but evaporated, when darkness seems inevitable, there is a calling in distance. A solution, a ray of promise, warm and radiant. The toaster oven. My toaster oven. Sitting right next to it's friend Mr. George Foreman grill. Bishop to B-4, I took your knight. And he cried. I control all of the food cooking and heating appliances in the apartment tonight. Even if it is only for a night, I shall relish this moment. A conquest so small, yet it produces a victor so proud. As I prepare my warm meal for the evening, and she sits on her sofa, her only life raft of semi-possession in the turbulent sea of neutral zones and my domain, I look down and see her [my] cell phone and the chinese food menu out on the counter. Enjoy that MSG and salt your doctor has told you you must avoid, because tonight I am eating what I planned, a nice home cooked meal. My warm, nay, my hot chicken and cheese quesadillas with mild salsa and light sour cream. Yum.
[note]

2003-11-17T10:52:00.000-05:00

Money still owed to me

~ $90, Target ( hair dryer, curtain rods, candle things, etc.)
$99.99 cell phone she hasn't given back to me
$93.00 AAA to get her car towed

I imagine that I am not getting my money back for Target merchandise seeing how she is asking her parents to buy her a hair dryer. Looks like it is going up on ebay.

The cell phone: I had purchased a cell phone for her and put it under my plan so that she could call me once she moved to the city, if she was ever lost or needed help. I had also paid all of the phone bills. She has since paid the past several phone bills I had asked her to pay, so one could conclude that that is acknowledgement that I was being billed for it and therefor it is my property. This is important because her potential arguement is going to be that this was a gift to her. She has since taken the phone and activated a new account with it.

AAA: back in the summer her car got hit and was totaled, and she needed it to get towed to a mechanic to get an estimate for insurance. For some reason she did not have enoung money on her credit card so she asked me to cover it. I have since submitted the claim to her to get a refund from her insurance, but never got any money. I would have completely forgotten about this had I not been driving past the repair shop I took it to over the weekend. Sidenote: I had to ride with the tow truck driver who spoke no english for about 40 minutes because she was too scared to go with him. Lets add a $7 inconvenience charge and make it an even $100. Now if only I can do that for everything over the past four years.

So the running total at the moment is close to $300 she still owes me. I am thinking about repossessing some of her property still left in the apartment to compensate me putting up with her and to cancel out her debt. I am thinking her new laptop. Tune in next week to see if we have our next rendezvous/date in small claims court. Maybe a court order will make her talk to me.
[note]

2003-11-14T11:00:00.000-05:00

[checking the email.... i've got scroll buttons like the night is long]

Jonah,
It's (name removed to protect the identity of the innocent), S--'s college friend. He emailed me the link to your chronicle and I can only say.......awesome. Sorry for your loss but she doesn't seem hardly worth it. If you've got balls of steel turn off the hot water. It'll wake you up in the morning but I bet she couldn't last. Good luck and I look forward to reading more in the future.

2003-11-13T13:38:00.000-05:00

I have locked up all my credit card statements, bank statements and other bills. They are safe. Right next to the hair dryer.

2003-11-11T09:53:00.000-05:00

I took her [my] sneakers back. I don't really have any use for them. Maybe I will give them to Good Will or something. Maybe they will just sit in my closet. I realize this would have been a lot funnier had she owned no others shoes, but alas, I am not that mean. Check back in in January and it might be a different story.

2003-11-10T18:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning it was 31 degrees outside, and I am not running my heat, because I am more than comfortable in my room with my comforter and three blankets on my bed. So to say my apartment is a little frigid would not be far from the truth. She came home after being away for a few days. With nothing to do and its only 7pm, she attempted to sleep on the couch covered with a 4x4 blanket of some sort, and pillows covering her feet in a losing struggle to keep warm. I decided to put on a few shirts and a fleece and get ready for a long night. All the while I am watching monday night football, which she hates (she hates all football not just monday night). And for a good final measure, I took my blanket i keep in the living room into my bedroom last night just to make sure she didn't accidentally mistake it for her own and try to use it. Now for those who are going to call me names and say I am evil, my sign of good faith is that I had left that blanket for her in the living for about two weeks. But its really cold in the living room and my blanket doesn't like the cold.

2003-11-03T17:35:00.000-05:00

So its been like what four weeks now. The only conversation the we have had (other than me telling her this is dumb and she should leave) was her saying and I quote "do you want this light on." Now when I say that is the only conversation, dont misread that and think well obviously they must talk since they live together and their living room they share is only like 12'x12', nope that is it. So to tally up everything that has been said between the two of us you have:

i want to move out when the lease is up
several yes's and no's to my question
her saying she wants to be friends and come over and have dinner with me [yeah my first thoughts were she would poison my food too]
do you want this light on

Right now I am averaging about a two or three words of conversation per week. Not too bad, after all that number could be a lot lower.

So fast forward. She sleeps on the couch in the living room. She moved her dresser into the hallway, yet still keeps her clothes in her closet in my bedroom. Right now my head is really spinning. Are you moving out? Are you not moving out? If you are moving all your stuff out of the bedroom, why do you still use it? Why do you not like my vacuum robot?

She spends about 4 nights a week at the apartment, the other nights dont really know, nor do I much care. Up until last week she had no dishes or cups, since those are mine. She can't use the tv, and I take the remote into my bedroom when I am not using it. She has no toaster oven, no george foreman grill privileges. I canceled her cell phone (it was under my account). She hasn't given me the phone back.

So then I tell her (I write her a note, because that is how we are communicating, I wonder maybe she has become deaf?) I want my money back for stuff I recently paid for, for her; art museum membership ($35), utilities ($80), and then a bunch of stuff from target ($90). We recently went to target and she decided to buy a hair dryer, curtain rods for silk curtains she bought from pottery barn, and candle holders, and also decided to not pay for them. Funny how that works. I asked her to pay me back for all of that and maybe she was trying to have a sense of humor, but she told me that was all jointly owned stuff for the apartment and thus not her responsibility. Now forget the fact that I would never buy candle holders, curtains or curtain rods or a hairdryer, and realize the absurdity of her comment. Not only were they apartment needs, but she wasn't even going to pay half of it. So I did what any rational male would do, and i took her hair dryer and the candle holders and put them in my trunk and locked it. That would be checkmate if the game ended right there, oh but rest assured it doesn't. This is only November. So for those playing along at home, she is now without a hairdryer, towel (mine), cups, dishes, tv, bed, food (mostly mine), cell phone, internet access, toothpaste, blankets and a few other things.

To rile me, she had been removing her stuff slowly from the apartment so I couldn't use them; dvd player, vcr, her blankets (remember this last item). Just for the record I think we used the DVD player twice, the last time would have been, oh, about June. So I can't watch DVDs and all she could really have done is look at the DVD player since she can't watch TV. She also had slowly moved her stuff out of the bedroom and into the living room/hallway. I had been using her dresser for my alarm clock, fan and some books. All of that was now on the floor. One day she gets the notion to move all of our joint items she doesn't like and most of my belonging from the living room into the bedroom. I come home and the living room is bare. The strange thing is that she put a table in the bedroom and put my alarm clock, fan and books back on the table neatly, and put a second side table on the other side of the bed. She rolled up the rug neatly and placed it in the room. Maybe she is just playing with my head, but I think she is delierious. She isn't sure if she hates me for no reason or if we are some sort of werid neighbors/roomates. Maybe her placing the items so neatly arranged back in my room is some symbolic way of saying I have ruined the last few years of your life. I didn't think about it too long. I couldn't really, I was busy moving my stuff back into the living room. I then removed all the lights from the living room, or her part of the living room and took the light bulb out of my hanging IKEA light. IKEA rocks! I now control all the light in the apartment. It has become a life size game of Risk. She is Columbia, and I control all the exits, Chile, Brazil and Mexico.

I also put up a few marathon pictures of myself around the place, I think it adds a nice touch.
[note]

2003-10-22T14:48:00.000-04:00

Isn't it great to have a roomate. You only have to pay half of the rent. You can watch football with them on the weekend, and you can even justify ordering pizza at 1am even though you only want one slice. Yeah that would be great, if I wanted a roomate, who would actually watch football and not complain, oh and one that wasn't an ex-girlfriend.

About a week after my girlfriend left and then moved back in as my roomate, I decided to initiate some discussion over the recent free agency deal that occured. Again, there has been no communication outside of the 'i want to move out at the end of the lease' statement. So I come home to find her asleep on my sofa, her bed. So what is the obvious thing you would do. Wake her up and make her feel bad. So I ask if we can talk. Sure. How long have you felt like this? A few weeks. Did I do anything wrong? No. Are you upset or sad by us splitting up? Here she actually takes a few moments to think, probably not about the question but instead she probably is thinking which of this furniture is mine. After a pause she answers, no, not really. Now although it was not my initial reaction, I am now thinking, you know if she has no concern for me, and no emotions about the last four years of our lives, I really don't think I want to be ordering pizza with her at 1am.

At some point during our conversation, which I don't know if it is considered a conversation unless someone else is actually responding or listening, but anyway I constructed some simple ground rules. Which wont be hard to follow as there is only one.

1. No one is ever allowed over. [write this one down also for future reference]

Also during that conversation I asked if she was going to move her stuff out of my room. She said, no and asked me if I thought there was a reason she needed to.

So after some contemplation and realization that no one can say that they are not sad or upset after breaking after a long term relationship, I decided to ask her again one morning on my way out to work. Maybe I was dreaming. After all she told me I had done nothing wrong, so she wouldn't be saying this to be mean if she indeed intended to say that. So as I am heading out the door, I turn and say did you mean what you said that you are not sad or upset about any of this. And she simply responded yes. At that point I listed off the following items in the apartment which I owned which she was to no longer use, look at, touch, place things on and or put things in. And they are as follows:

the television
the cups and glasses, all of them.
the dishes. the only plates and bowls in the apartment. all mine.
the george foreman grill.
the toaster oven.

Now I would have added the vacuum robot, but that never seemed to go over well. It is a vacuum robot, how is this not the greatest invention ever, not to mention is practically a pet. But she didn't like it so I think it is understood that it is also off limits.

Unfortunately she didn't quite understand what I meant by 'never use' as she continued to eat my food and use my glasses, and occasionally watch tv. Now if she was just staring a blank tv that was not on, well then I couldn't stop that, but no she actually was turning it on, which if it isn't a violation of some geneva united nations convention then it violated my rules I had layed out so eloquently.

[That night]
I return home. I half expected the apartment to be on fire. Or at least my stuff. Suprisingly it wasn't. What I did find however was a note saying that I was being "immature." My ex girlfriend, who was not grown up enough to sit down and talk with and say things were not working out, who wasn't capable of staying awake long enough to tell me she was moving out, who has no emotions or feelings or concern for me, who not only was leaving me, but expected to keep living in my apartment, thought I was being immature. I personally think this is a matter for Judge Judy, but I don't want to loose custody of the vacuum.
[note]

2003-10-07T10:36:00.000-04:00

I met my former girlfriend during college, and a four year relationship evolved. This past year we happily moved into a one bedroom apartment [remember this, it is important to the story later] together to start a new life in a new city. A few weeks ago I woke her up, and she told me she was moving out at the end of the lease. I initially thought the worse part of it all was that she was leaving me. But I was mistaken, it was that our lease runs through April, and she plans on living in the apartment with me. It is kind of like Threes Company meets Gilligans Island. On one hand you have us living together as roomates and the comical situations that arise, on the other hand the apartment is really a deserted island that I had never wished to go in the first place and now have to live on with the rest of my cast aways. Sadly this is no tropical island, and there are no movie stars. Every night I go home and try to vote her off the island, only to see her still there the next morning. Maybe she just doesn't understand the rules.

Now let me be slightly serious for a moment here because I constantly get questions and people who don't believe me when I tell them this story. She had been sleeping on the couch because she claimed she had trouble sleeping. When I woke her up the only words she said to me were something along the lines of "I am going to move out at the end of the lease." Now here is the part where you would expect some yelling, some questions, just simply something else. So what does she do? She rolls over and goes back to sleep. I proceed to gather some things and leave. When I return that night I am greeted by a note saying she has left for a few days beacuse I (jonah) need some space. I called her that evening, just to make sure i didn't misunderstand something in all of our lengthy discussion and basically had a conversation with myself. She barely responded with more than one word answers, and thus after four years, she can hardly find enough to say to me to fill our whole four minute conversation. After all that, the following is going to be the most crucial to understanding future actions; at no point during that talk or since has she said she was sorry, felt bad, or was slightly concerned about me. Add that one to your note of things to remember. Of course she did say she wanted to be friends, I mean what else would you expect from someone who will be living on your sofa for the next couple of months.

2003-10-06T13:33:00.000-04:00

If you are thinking about moving in with a significant other, or taking any other big step in your relationship, I urge you to read this, and or send it to your dumb friend if you don't want them to move in with their girlfriend. These are not lessons of life that you would have learned from a text book, partially because in the history of the world no one has had to endure a situation like this. The idea of breaking up addresses a seperation of sorts, both physically and emotionally. The underlying principle is just that, a break, a seperation, distance.

sepÂ·aÂ·rate Pronunciation Key (sp-rt)
v. sepÂ·aÂ·ratÂ·ed, sepÂ·aÂ·ratÂ·ing, sepÂ·aÂ·rates
v. tr.

1.
a. To set or keep apart; disunite.
b. To space apart; scatter: small farms that were separated one from another by miles of open land.
c. To sort: separate mail by postal zones.
2. To differentiate or discriminate between; distinguish: a researcher who separated the various ethnic components of the population sample.
3. To remove from a mixture or combination; isolate.
4. To part (a couple), often by decree: She was separated from her husband last year.
5. To terminate a contractual relationship, as military service, with; discharge.

v. intr.

1. To come apart.
2. To withdraw: The state threatened to separate from the Union.
3. To part company; disperse.
4. To stop living together as spouses.

Although I have realized what a joke my current situation is, after all I have to go home to it every night, I did not realize the extent of the entertainment value it had for friends, family, and bored co-workers. Since I am a little late starting this, I will need to get everyone caught up, and then I will have updates the next time the drama unfolds. thus i bring you the life of jonah.